I intentionally have not posted my picture, weight, or measurements because my intentions were never (and still are not) to use this blog as a forum to give "air time" to every calorie-laden bit of food that I put into my mouth, to attract lust-filled admirers to ogle over my poundage, or to attract a sweet and lovable FA in search of a relationship. I appreciate the comments people have made both on the blog and through yahoo. Please do keep the comments coming, but first I feel a need to state why I'm not interested in using this blog for the purposes I outlined above.
1) I am a medium-sized BBW, hovering between women's size 16-18. At one point in time, I had been been nearly 300 pounds and a size 28, but for health reasons (namely to get off the blood sugar roller coaster of hypoglycemia), I had to make some lifestyle dietary changes which resulted in weight loss. I went through something of a mourning process as I lost this weight--I really felt as though I had lost a piece of my identity. Even though I still have strong desires to be upwards of 300, 400 pounds, I'd rather be a walking 200-pound person than lying in a casket until kingdom come at 400+ pounds. At my current size, my blood sugar is stable and my doctor no longer considers me to be at risk for diabetes, so I currently have no desire or intention to lose more. For this reason, while I WANT to be much, much larger, my feedee tendencies must be restricted to the realm of fantasy and role-play (or roll-play, as I like to say). ;) Therefore, I no longer indulge in any feeding frenzies that characterized a portion of my former life, and thus, there is no such material to post.
Some like to hit below the belt and call me a wannabe. Okay. I can live with that label. I know that there are lots of other "wannabe" gainers out there, too, and I'd love to hear from you. There are a plethora of reasons why someone may WANT to gain but doesn't actively pursue it, whether the reasons be health, profession, family, practicality of life, etc. Extreme obesity is not like other secret fantasies. Leather and cuffs can be taken off and hidden in a drawer while one is at work. 200 or 300 extra pounds is something a little bit more difficult to hide. A lack of active gaining does not mean the DESIRE to add to one's girth is not genuine. Genuine FAs with feeding/encouraging tendencies recognize this.
2) The kind of ogling and comments from men about my size that accompany my fantasies are not mainstream, even within the size acceptance community. I will ever-so briefly explain what I'm "into" and leave it at that, as my "fetish" comprises only half a percent of who I am. I believe my desires stem from the teasing I had as a child. I suffered a lot of emotional pain from being called fat names and being teased by my peers to being nagged and (unintentionally) shamed by my family and my doctor. I believe that I have tried to turn this pain into something pleasurable by sexualizing it. As a result, I enjoy endulging in any submissive role play where I am being scolded, teased, or humiliated for my obesity. I do have one condition: the whole thing must be a game, and the Dommie must be a TRUE admirer of BBW, just acting out his little part, with no real desire to hurt me. I am not into physical pain, dehumanization, or sexual degradation. As there is a very active yahoo group that focuses specifically on this playful fat humiliation fetish, there is no need to reproduce it here. If you have an interest in this area, you can follow the link to Ms. Kathy's blog, the owner of the group. I do not wish it to become the central focus of the blog as I want everyone to feel comfortable here.
3) I'm not seeking a relationship with anyone right now because I'm in one! We are extremely happy and are planning to get married. However, if somehow through the comments or through the links people hook up, I'd be delighted to hear about it!
I'd like to go back to the main reason I started this blog. Because the mere fact that I ENJOY being fat and DESIRE to gain more seems unbelievable and exceedingly bizarre to most people, I have felt a need to get a personal handle on WHY I feel this way. Is it nature or is it nurture? I want to share my experiences and invite the active gainers and my fellow wannabes to share theirs so that we can compare our stories. I also am interested in learning about the past experiences of FAs. Do you know what led to your attraction to fat? How did you deal with it growing up? What leads you to being secretive or open about your preferences? If you're a closet FA, please feel free to share why, without fear of being attacked for being in hiding. Just like some BBWs struggle to accept that there are indeed genuine FAs, there are some FAs who struggle to accept their own preferences. Everyone has different levels of self-acceptance, and the less we criticize and the more we encourage, the happier we'll all be in the end.
Besides, a little introspection never killed anybody, right?
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